About an UnValentine’s Day movie!
I had all intentions of going to see Valentine’s Day, you know the one with an all star cast that does the Valentine’s Day thing (duh!). Well, I decided not to be cliché and write an article about an UnValentine’s Day movie.
A little bit of information from moi first. I went out the other day and bought a series of books as my “Valentine’s Day” present because I wasn’t sure if SO remembered Valentine’s Day. I spent $50 on the Percy Jackson series. Yes, I know it’s a kids’ series that kids should be reading. Shut up! You know both Harry Potter and Twilight are both geared towards young kids so there! Anyways, I got them knowing that I would more than likely see the movie. So, that’s my UnValentine’s Day movie. I went and seen Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief and I must say that I was I NOT disappointed. Please, do not read forward if you don’t want to hear about the movie.
The Percy Jackson series is centered around, yep, Percy Jackson who is a demi-god. Half human and half god. It’s all about Greek mythology, which I LOVE! Well, so far I’ve reached chapter 7 of the first book, Lightning Thief and I can tell you, obviously enough, that the movie left out a bunch of things even for only reading 7 chapters so far. However, like I said the movie does not disappoint. There’s action, sword fighting, chase scenes, scary scenes (I watched one mother take her what look like 5 year olds and left the theatre),and there’s even love scenes. There really is something for everyone.
The movie starts out at Percy’s high school and introduces the fact that he has dyslexia and that he doesn’t do very well in school because of this and his ADHD. However, he is able to stay under water for 7 minutes without coming up for air. Now, at this point you can definitely tell which Greek god is his father. (Duh! Poseidon, for those who hadn’t guessed that this point) A little history: Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades all sons of Kronus are the main three gods. Zeus in god of the sky, thunder and lightning etc. Poseidon is the god of water and Hades is the god of the underworld and death. For more information go here.
Well, as school comes to a close and Percy goes home we meet his mother and Gabe. Gabe, the stepfather, is a douche and I will refer to him as such for the rest of this article. Douche is a real horrible man who is very disrespectful to his wife, Percy’s mom, and we later find out why she remains with douche for as long as she has. Fast forward to the next day and they are on a field trip to the Metro museum of Art. A teacher turns into a fury and tries to attack him muttering about stealing Zeus’s lightning. In comes Mr. Brunner played by the ever sexy Pierce Brosnan and his best friend Grover who ends up his protector and (ahem satyr) when he decides to take off his pants a few scenes later. Fast forward again and his mother disappears into thin air by a minotaur and Percy destroys the minotaur with its’ own horn. Percy wakes up three days later, and starts talking about this awful dream where his mother has disappears, he defeated a minotaur and his best friend is a goat and kinda chuckles when he looks up to see Grover walking around without his pants, again. He realizes this is not a dream and he is at a summer camp called Half blood. Grover starts showing Percy around where they see Mr. Brunner who has “a horse’s ass” or otherwise known as a centaur. Percy starts training and they have a “capture the flag” event which he ends up kicking his love interest, Annabeth’s, butt. Annabeth, who happens to be the daughter of Athena, goddess of war and wisdom. He then realizes that the water, any water, heals his wounds. Later, he will find out that he can manipulate water as well. As they are all celebrating Hades comes outta their bonfire and tells Percy if he doesn’t give up the lightning he’d kill Percy’s mother for sure. That night he sets out on the quest to find his mother. Annabeth and Grover decides to go with him, much to his dismay. They go to Luke, son of Hermes, for information about getting to and out of the underworld. Luke gives them a map to find three pearls, which will help them get out of the underworld, as well as a couple things for their journey. One, a pair of shoes that help them fly and two a shield.
First stop on their journey, is a a remote place in NJ where they are confronted by Medusa, played by Uma Thurman, who turns people to stone when they look into her eyes. They end up beheading her and taking her head with them “for future use”. They find the first pearl on a bracelet on her wrist. Next stop on their journey is good ol Nashville, Tennessee where the parthenon is. It didn’t take them long to figure out where this pearl was. It’s on the statue of Athena’s crown. Easy peasy, they think. So they wait til closing time, knock out a few of the night crew and on their way. They use the flying shoes and Percy grabs it. Little do they know that the night crew is actually the Hydra and apparently Percy didn’t pay much attention in Mr. Brunner’s class and starts cutting off their heads. As the heads grow back, double time, he loses the pearl but regains it when he starts to manipulate the water from the water fountains and start to drown the Hydra. Then, Grover, at a genius moment unwraps Medusa’s head and points her at the Hydra and turn them to stone. Phew! They got outta that mess. Later on at the hotel they find out that Percy is wanted for the disappearance of his mother because Douche tells reporters and police that Percy took her and he has a history of drugs and alcohol abuse. So they get the heck outta dodge and the final place on their pearl journey is none other than Sin City, Las Vegas.
Did I mention there’s a deadline. Oh, right they have until the Summer Solstice or there will be a war between Poseidon and Zeus. So, of course, they get sidetracked while in Vegas by some lotus flowers which makes for a pretty trippy 3 days for the three kids. I was beginning to wonder why the casino would let three kids gamble.. and I almost went apeshit because I didn’t think this scene really belonged in the movie well until they explained the Lotus flowers being a trap. Then they grab the pearl which of course is on the roulette table and hijacked a car and flew outta the casino, well not literally, but you get the point. So, one last time they look at the map for it to tell them where the entrance to the Underworld is and of course I totally knew before it came on the map! None other there Hollywood!!! Bahawaahahah! Okay, now that that’s outta my system. One more thing I forgot to mention… his dyslexia and adhd is not really problems at all. The adhd allows him to be impulsive and good at fighting people and the dyslexia isn’t really dyslexia at all. He just reads Ancient Greek better than English. Go Figure.
So they head for the Hollywood sign with only a few hours left til midnight. They finally get to Hades’ palace and is greeted by a few hellhounds. Is that even Greek! Bahaha! Anyways, Persephone shows up and calls away the dogs and Grover starts getting his flirt on. Persephone is played by the always fabulous and beautiful Rosario Dawson. She shows them to Hades quarters and expects there to be an exchange. When Percy finally admits that he “doesn’t have” the lightning after he sees that his mom is still alive. He throws his stuff on the ground including the shield that Luke had given him and something starts to light up within the shield. Of course, the lightning was in that damn thing the whole damn time. Well, Hades picks it up while Percy and his mother has this great reunion. He tells Persephone to call the hounds and open the gates and feed the crew to the souls. So Persephone does so and starts kissin’ up to Hades. Hades, obviously thinking with his penis, is caught off guard when Persephone stills the lightning and strikes him. Muttering about only get some time to herself out of the Underworld and all that changing if he becomes the main god after Poseidon and Zeus fights it out and she’ll never be allowed out she hands over the lightning to Percy.
At this point they are ready to go and realize they only have 3 pearls. Damn. So, they argue for a moment about who stays behind and Grover wants to because he has the hots for Persephone. So the rest of the crew gets to the Empire State Building (which is where the entrance to Olympus is) and they greeted by Luke. (Are you caught up, Luke is the Lightning thief) Luke and Percy square off and Percy is getting his butt kicked and finally manipulates some more water and defeats Luke in record time. Then Percy, his mom, and Annabeth set off for Olympus by way of a very fast elevator. So, Percy and Annabeth get to meet their parents and Zeus and get the lightning back to Zeus so there isn’t any war. All is well and Percy’s only request from Zeus is to bring Grover back from the Underworld and he obliges. And they all lived happily ever after… until the next quest!
YAY! Happy ending for a great UnValentine’s day movie!!! Seriously, go out and see this movie on the big screen, it’s definitely worth the bucks. Happy Valentine’s day to all you happy-go-lucky people out there!
Posted under Articles, review